Someday by duskri123: Chapter 23 Teaser

Someday by duskri123: Chapter 23 Teaser: "Here is a teaser for chapter 23. When will it be out? Hard to say, I'm not even finished it yet but this part is unmovable in what I do have..."


To my Twilight fan friends: if you are not reading THIS twilight Jasper/Bella fanfic, you need to start now! One of the BEST ever!

My Heart

I hear my heart beating
and I wonder "why"?
I also wonder 'how'?

The poor thing has been so broken so many times it's full of scar tissue.
Yet it throbs rhythmically as if nothing happened, as if it didn't have to survive you.

Maybe it has no memory and once the pain has passed it just continues to thrum.
Or it could just be keeping up appearances...like always cleaning your front room
in case a visitor shows up, you don't want the front room to be trashed.
In case you see a doctor or someone who would notice a silence in your chest.

But HOW, with all the pain..the real physical pain I endure on a never-ending basis...it certainly has to strain the organ like my brain helps me make the correct faces.

I sometimes wonder if these organs are NOT our friends.
If without them we'd have come to a much more dignified end.

And yet it keeps pumping and wordlessly encourages
it pisses me off sometimes that's it's so insistent
so unphased by the ravages.

So tonight, here we sit, my heart and I
I say 'I'm tired' it won't even say 'goodbye'
Instead it's more "no, you're not...I have a secret"
But it never shares it's surprise...just makes me wait for it.

My heart doesn't falter and it never takes a break
Maybe it's another source that encourages it, for heaven's sake!
You'd think it could share some of that constant enthusiasm with me.
You'd think I'd be smart enough to know that what it does...it does for me.

My heart won't win any awards..in it's future there's no special acclaim
It's one job, it's purpose, is me. It has no room or time for blame.
It just thrums happily along setting the example I should follow.
Hell, it's midnight, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

OK, I'm OBSESSED

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, but I've been busy. I've been playing on Facebook, sure, Twitter....not as much as I used to...Big Brother...not on for a couple months yet.

No, the object of my obsession is..*drumroll*: TWILIGHT, specifically: EDWARD CULLEN.

Ok, I know what you're thinking..."where's she been, under a rock somewhere?"

No...not quite that out of the loop...but, I just don't do vampires. I have a strict policy (actually, my discerning spirit has it's way with me)...I don't DO vampires/evil/torture/horror movies. I've been known to literally run from the room or theater when these movies are on.

I once tried (actually 3 times) to read "Interview with a Vampire" ..Anne Rice's vampire book that was made into a movie. I couldn't even hold it in my hands it so unsettled my SPIRIT...Finally, after the 3rd try reading it, I threw the new, unread paperback in my kitchen trash can..that wasn't far enough away..I had to DIG IT OUT and take it OUTSIDE to the big trashcans near the street!!!! It SO COMPLETELY unnerved me.

So, what, 15 years or so later??..enter: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

*sigh* Mercy...just another movie I won't watch. Well, I don't know what happened..I'm not sure what lured my 'discernment' away for a few minutes (probably the fact that I have been in soooo much pain and stuck in my house with only the internet and the regular tv shows that I watch)..but, Twilight came on Showtime and BAM! I was THERE!!

I waded in...I'll give it 5 minutes...no...I don't feel any evil twinges coming from it...ok 10 minutes..still nothing...before I knew it, I was falling head over heels for a VAMPIRE!!!

A half-century of resolve to NEVER watch any evil content just evaporated as these two kids(I use the term loosely in Edward's case), Edward & Bella were finding themselves in a love affair that simply would NOT be denied. To say they are 'starcrossed lovers' really doesn't define their particular situation: She's a human girl, an extraordinary one, but human..and he's a Vampire. Think of that age-old adage: A fish and a bird can fall in love but, where would they LIVE?

Over the last couple of years, as my health has gotten worse, I lost most of my earthly possessions waiting on disability (house, car, etc.), I lost my boyfriend (his last words to me "I'll call you tomorrow"..it'll be 2 years in October..lol...human men *rolls eyes*), and just general disappointment in all things 'true love' had described, and promised, killed any feelings that I might have of a romantic nature...or so I thought!!!

Imagine my surprise when from within me PASSION re-emerged...my heart would quicken along with Bella's..tears fell...chills covered my body...and, when at the end of the 2nd movie of the series "New Moon" Edward says to Bella "..and then forever...marry me" I swear, you'd have thought Edward was on his knees in front of me!!! I squealed...I felt the electric shock to my TOES, I kid you not.

I have certainly done hours of introspection on this completely new, to me, passion, obsession, hunger to know MORE and MORE about these characters and WHY did I have such a strong reaction to them. Now, NOBODY would have ever accused me of having no passion...no emotions...no heart...honey, it's the stuff I'm made of instead of blood, skin, and bones!!! But, for a VAMPIRE!!

OK, so let's be practical..vampires are fictional characters..Stephenie Meyer's vampires are extremely GOOD people (forgive the term)...they have chosen to accept their lot in 'life' and attempt to do GOOD..not just GOOD, the GREATER GOOD. Now, THAT's MY THING!!

I believe the other main draw for me..and what SURPRISINGLY had both my sons gagging at their mother's choice of OBSESSION..is the fact that EDWARD IS THE PERFECT MAN.

I expected my sons to be thrilled that their mother actually broke down her wall and enjoyed a 'supernatural' (if you will) movie. But no, they were actually VERY condescending about my choice. My oldest son (25) simply can't get past the part where Edward sparkles in the sun..fine..whatever..I'm not sure exactly why my youngest (15) doesn't care for him..but I have a theory. You might want to get a drink here, this might take a minute or two...lol.

As I stated above, Edward IS the perfect man (if you can get past the un-dead part). He's spent enough time learning, looking, becoming an ADULT for heaven's sake! He KNOWS what he doesn't want, if still being in the shadows on what he DOES want. But when he sees, meets, gets to know Bella..EDWARD KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS. That's extremely important!

Next, EDWARD KNOWS THE VALUE OF LOVE (he's lived for decades with 3 perfectly-matched pair of lovers..the outsider..the only one without a mate. He's seen the joy of love, the value of a partner, companion, commitment, a plus-one.

EDWARD KNOWS HOW LUCKY HE IS to have FOUND someone who by all rights has been made just for him by some creator: she's his FAVORITE smell ("my own personal brand of heroin" to use HIS words), she's FEARLESS (he IS a monster after all), she's trustworthy, loyal, and devoted (all things a woman would HAVE to be to be in a relationship with someone from his world). Miraculously, he's found the ONE PERSON who was made JUST FOR HIM.

EDWARD IS WILLING TO FIGHT FOR AND PROTECT BELLA, from rapist/murderers, from other boys at the school who would love to have her for themselves, from HIS OWN FAMILY, and even from HIMSELF at times.

As a couple Edward and Bella are extremely powerful: He's their MIGHT...She's their SOUL...together, they are their HEART.

My mother says I'm drawn to the Protector in Edward and I have to agree that could be it, for a large part..but, I KNOW I'm drawn to Edward because he's a HERO, he's devoted, he's true...EDWARD IS THE MAN THAT ALL WOMEN WANT THEIR MEN TO BE...and WOMEN (including the girls my youngest goes to school with) have GONE WILD!

Let's face it...in books, magazines, tv, music, and especially movies...over the last 3 decades or so...women have been told what we are supposed to LOOK like (we've had so many boobs thrown in our faces, on the screen, that we can't even work up the embarrassment to blush anymore...our righteous indignation has laid down it's sword and just accepted it ... and, the plastic surgeons, diet-food companies/gyms, and, cosmetic companies are making a killing. We've tried so hard not to get old that some of my favorite actresses look like they are standing in wind tunnels (their faces pulled and cut and sewn back so far), their lips look like trouts they have been shot so full of fillers, hair extensions, thin to the point of looking like the suffer from malnutrition..their breasts look like cantaloupes sewn under their skin..it's RIDICULOUS! But it's done now..that's just the way it is.

Enter Edward Cullen...finally...after 30 years of hearing WHAT WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE TO BE DESIRABLE...Edward is telling MEN HOW TO ACT.

...and THEY HATE IT!! lmbo...women, go ahead and have one of those HUGE belly-laughs that shakes your whole body and produces those endorphins!!

Yes, men...EDWARD CULLEN is YOUR wake-up call! It's time for chivalry...remember how to open a door and pick up a check?? It's time for COMMITMENT...no more of this "what I don't do for my man some other woman will" attitude...make some money (we're tired of supporting you)...and, you better find that girl and be true to her. Men, KNOW YOUR MIND...if you say it you better mean it...if you ask for it, be grateful for receiving it...and, if you want her, deserve her!!

Ultimately, I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN for being THAT GUY...no, he's not perfect..no woman ever expects her man to be perfect (it's your imperfections that endear you to us)...but be OUR OWN brand of heroin...be addicted to us...be obsessed with us...love us...tell us you love us and mean it...see ONLY us (no, you're not blind but that is certainly NO EXCUSE for ogling and then comparing us to some other woman. AND, last but certainly not least...FIGHT TO KEEP US...keep us safe, keep us happy, keep us in your heart and mind...you will NOT regret it.

Men, TWILIGHT and EDWARD CULLEN are YOUR goal...it's your map to a woman's head and heart...it's your mission statement...it's your example of what your woman wants. But, as usual, (and believe me, women are used to being disappointed..our expectations have fallen so low they barely have a heartbeat) it's YOUR choice.

Be THAT GUY, please? We'll be THAT GIRL..it's in our nature, we're hard-wired to please you when we aren't having to spend all our time, energy, attention, and money surviving you.

Thank you Stephenie Meyer, Bella, but most of all: THANK YOU EDWARD CULLEN for waking up the girl in me and reminding me that love still exists.

An excellent way to say "Thank you and Merry Christmas" to our SOLDIERS overseas!

Please use the widget to the right to send a free Christmas card to our Soldiers overseas. No matter how you feel about the war, please support our TROOPS..thanks! If the widget is 'unclickable' the link is: http://www.letssaythanks.com

I Recognized His Smile Right Away

1977 was a rough year for me. Many things in my life were turned completely upside down. The world I had inhabited for the previous 18 years turned out to be a sham; and, to be honest, I didn't handle it very well.

Earlier, in the summer of 1976, I was working for Opryland USA. I have shared, previously, that I was among a very lucky group of 16-18 year olds who were hired by the most unique theme park in the USA.

When school started, my senior year was divided into 25% school, 25% band (rifle team) and 50% work. My home life which had always been tumultuous suddenly became a minefield. My parents' (my mother and my adopted father) relationship, which had always balanced on a razor's edge, began to fall completely apart. The happenings are not really mine to share, but as someone who survived it I feel I do have a right to share how it affected me.

I had always known that my 'daddy' was not my REAL father. He and my mother married when I was only 6 months old. Daddy adopted me when I was in the 2nd grade and I took his last name. If ever it even occurred to me to ask about my REAL father, I was told that it was my mother's first husband. Case closed...

During the fall of 1976 it seemed that nearly every night brought a new argument. Anything could set him off. These arguments started with loud screaming, verbal abuse, escalating into violence. Dad would scream and mom or I would try to defend ourselves. He'd push mom, she'd bounce of the refrigerator. He'd come at me and I'd try to cover myself. Mom would try to protect me from Daddy's rages that I could never fully understand. If I tried to protect Mom he'd get even more enraged. They'd throw things and scream so loud that a neighbor-friend of the family actually tried to intervene to quieten them. When I was 11, I was diagnosed with an ulcer. Supper-time at my house was a tense situation..I could barely eat for fear of dropping my fork or spilling my milk. I learned to stay in my room with the door closed in an attempt to keep Daddy from going off. Of course, a couple of hours after these explosions Daddy would call me to him (taking me on his lap when I was younger). He'd be crying..."Daddy's sorry, you love Daddy don't you? Daddy loves you."

It seemed I couldn't do anything right. I began to have anxiety attacks in health class when we'd study First Aid. The pseudo-catastrophe-filled films they would show in class..people laying around bleeding and injured were more than my sensitive, over-stressed psyche could take. I would start to hyperventilate...my arms and hands to tingle, my lips to feel like they were being drawn together and the feeling to flee the room was overwhelming. The Dr. prescribed valium but I was terrified of taking pills. Yes, it was the late 70's and I was a teenager, but I did not do any drugs. I had always preferred being the one in control, the designated driver, the clear thinker in my group of friends.

I missed a lot of classes that came after 1st period (eg. biology, geometry, shorthand) because I would end up being sent home by the school nurse. My body and mind were freaking out because of the war at home. I wasn't built for that shit.

One day, after a particularly harsh confrontation with Daddy I screamed "I'm going to go find my REAL Daddy, because I KNOW he loves me!" Keep in mind that I didn't even have a picture of the man, but no matter what, I figured HE had to be better than this.

My mother, having the foresight that our life there was coming to an end and we'd be going out on our own, dropped the bombshell that blew my teens into oblivion and pushed me into an emotional purgatory..neither child or adult..was I even who I thought I was? Apparently my mother had met a man, a radio DJ, in the late 50's when all those sentimental love songs filled the airwaves..."is that your little girl? She looks a lot like me". My mom and the DJ had fallen in love and Mom got pregnant. Mom showed a picture to me. I had seen it before but never suspected the significance of it. It was me as an infant, laying on a white cotton bead spread, 45's laid around me in a circle. Those records were THEIR songs. The DJ, had a son and twin daughters from his 1st marriage as well. I was not only the child of a man I never knew existed but I also have siblings! As an only child I was often lonely and had dreamed of an older brother.
Selfishly, I supposed, I wished for someone to turn to when things got scary, a witness to the insanity of my life, and someone to watch over me.

Unfortunately, Mom and the DJ fell apart soon after my birth. Mom, finding herself in a desperate situation, divorced, new baby, married the man I call Daddy. This other man, the DJ, had a son and twin daughters from his 1st marriage as well. To find out that I was not only the child of a man I had never known existed until this confusing night in the fall of 1976 but I also have siblings!

Meanwhile, being a member of the high school rifle corp, I marched my heart out! I loved twirling my rifle, throwing it into the air, performing with determination. The honor of traveling with our winning football team, marching at half-time, holding hands with my boyfriend (a trumpet player) as we sat on the bleachers cheering our team to victory, was a Godsend! I threw myself into practice, twirling and tossing that rifle for hours. I believe it helped me to focus on something completely outside of the turmoil that had become my family life.

Later in that school year, I met my biological father for the only time. We chatted across a restaurant table...my mother sitting beside me for support. He promised to take me to visit his family, to introduce me to my half-brother and sisters, to make me a part of his life..he promised many things.

As the football season came to an end so did the romance with my trumpet player but he always held a special place in my heart. He had helped me through a tumultuous time in my life and he NEVER KNEW anything was going on. I presented a happy, fun-loving, "let's go roll (t.p.) someones house after the football game" facade. I was very adept at putting on a mask, even at that tender age.

On March 11, 1977 I turned 18 and began my last summer at Opryland USA. On August 16, 1977 I worked my first day of my first full-time job..that was the day The King, Elvis Presley died.

My parents divorced about that time. The end of their marriage was marked by a huge bruise on my thigh from being stomped as I slid to the floor, deflecting the last of the physical blows 'Daddy' would ever land on me. I was limping and bruised as my mother and I signed the lease on an apartment.

On the morning of my birthday, March 11, 1978 as my mother and I were driving to work we tuned into the DJ's radio station. "Hi you beautiful ladies out there on your way to work..Happy Birthday Baby, Daddy loves you...here's a song just for you." As he played the song I had told him was my favorite at that time, Rod Stewart's "Tonight's the Night"...I dreamed of what my future might hold. Hopes and dreams that would never be realized. Left to melt with the snow banks on the sides of the road. I never heard from him again.

Both 'daddies' have passed on. I sometimes wonder if they are sitting in lounge chairs together in my idea of Heaven. Are they watching me? Did I finally make them proud and happy?

You might be wondering what brought up these memories. Well, I found my trumpet player on Facebook and had a wonderful lunch with him today...31 years since the last time we had seen each other. I recognized his SMILE right away. The conversation was fun as we recounted memories...the fun we had had together as teenagers. As we brought up the names of our school friends we compared notes on who we had kept up with. When we talked about those who have passed we became quiet, reflecting on the last memory we had of each of them. We each talked about our lives in the last three decades..excitedly trying to tell EVERYTHING..but hitting the highlights and some low ones...things we had happily experienced and a few things we were lucky to live through ourselves.

Even though the things I have written about today are not necessarily happy ones..words like "tragic" and "disappointing" mostly fit the bill. The fact that I did live through it and that there is the possibility that I may find my siblings before this dance of life comes to an end are enough to get me out of bed in the morning.

The ageless feeling of connecting with an old friend and the possibility of seeing him again and even MORE of our friends has left me with a smile that I just can't wipe off my face. How cool is that?

Taylor Swift wins Best Female Video at VMA's...but,

Kanye West jumped on the stage, took the mic away from Taylor and said: "Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL TIME".

Taylor had only begun her speech, saying: "I used to dream that I'd have a chance to win a VMA, but I sing Country music...". That was all she got out before Kanye appears beside her and takes the mic right out of her hand. This move by Kanye was horrifying...who the hell does he think he is? The camera cuts to a horrified Beyonce just in time to see her mouth the words "no, Kanye" and Taylor Swift (remember, she's only 17) stood there in silence, showing a grace and maturity far beyond her age.

Not five minutes later, Taylor performed her song, 'You Belong With Me', live, in a subway station, on the subway train, ending on a stage in front of the Radio City Music Hall. She was fabulous!

Beyonce performed her song, 'Single Ladies', later in the show, and she was also amazing! When Beyonce won the big award of the night, Best Video, I loved what she said, and did: "I remember being at the VMA's the first time with Destiny's Child, I was 17 myself and I was thrilled!" Then she invited Taylor out to give her original 'thank you' speech, which Taylor did, gracefully thanking many people, and the fans, of course. She was obviously moved both by receiving the award and Beyonce's generous and self-less gesture.

Very classy move by Beyonce! Way-to-go to BOTH ladies and 'boo hiss' to Kayne...nobody cares what you think anyway.

Team Jordan Twibbon

I have added the link to get your Team Jordan Twibbon, the little pic of Jordan with the words 'Team Jordan' for your Twitter avatar, >> over there just under the little bird inviting you to 'Follow Me on Twitter'. If you don't watch Big Brother 11, then you won't know Jordan, but she's the sweetest thing and she has made it to the Final 3! The winner of BB11 will be crowned Tuesday night along with the winner of America's Choice for players who are in the Jury (they are in sequester, and they vote for the winner, sort of like Survivor). I hope that Jordan wins the $500K 1st place prize and that Jeff, her gorgeous romantic interest (notice I didn't say 'showmance'..I hate that word), wins the America's Choice prize of $25K.

I have met so many smart, funny, kind, and informative people on Twitter that I would suggest joining Twitter to anyone who has a computer. Right now, of course, I am really involved in the Big Brother 11 group (big shocker, right? LOL)..but there is also a Fibromyalgia group, a group for The Closer TV show, writers, all the major and local news sources, movie, television & music celebrities and so much more! Any subject that you can think of, any interest that you may have, there are people with the same interests on Twitter. Please let me know if you follow me and I'll follow you back.

Lots of love, Cindy